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domestic violence wheel

Liberty for Some ... Justice for Whom ?

Why DON'T Women Leave Domestic Violence ?

................................ THEY CAN'T !

"I know that I would......."
"Can't she see that she should ?"
"I know that I could if it were me.....!"

But HOW can you IF, there is simply NOwhere to go? Did you know that if you have a son, you can't stay at most shelters? Also if you have asthma and must use an inhaler [or your child does], the wrong dialect, skin color, a different culture.

And much as we wish to think that shelters are available. Most simply are not. For a few yes. But for many of us, there will never be a safe way to leave a batterer, unless we DO something about it. Shelters need to be for everyone.....not merely a few.

And they need HELP before they will change. Wanting them to be available can't happen, until we bring about change.

That is life for millions of women in the US and Canada alone. I am one of them. My story began in 1995 and continues to this day.

How can a highly educated woman with a backround in Social Work end up in a Domestic Violence situation with NO help avaialable? A LOT more women than you think CAN and DO!

It's easy. It could happen to anyone. It can happen to you.....

And so it becomes time to ask: Not WILL you leave? BUT CAN YOU? IS there a shelter? Will they take boys? How about ANY kind of disABILITY? That is what we will cover on these pages....AND a solution to Ending the Cycle.

Through experience, I have come to STRONGLY BELIEVE that Domestic Violence, is nothing more than An Addiction to the illusion of Power and Control.

These subjects are my life. It has been destroyed by Domestic Violence, disability and society's unwillingness to provide reasonable accomodation in shelters for women who MUST leave. But in writing these (and other webpages) my spirit lives on. If it gives you hope to long and difficult exodus has been worthwile.

When three years ago, aching, bruised and having lost all, I began a simple Tripod webpage of my story. Imagine my shock when months later MILLIONS had visited my page. It was averaging almost half a million a week. And it wasn't even very good. This tells us it one thing:Domestic Violence, affects millions, daily.

It tells us that the subject is POWERFUL. And so is the ability to recover. But first we must recognize it for what it is, an addiction. Not of the survivor. No, the one of the person seeking POWER and CONTROL, which BECOMES Domestic Violence. But the victim must travel that road from the victim role, to the survivor!

I recognized it when a woman younger than I, became jealous. And she was not even out of her abusive relationship, already she was seeking yet another one. While I was dealing with my newly lowered self esteem, she was ready to continue to cycle of abuse !

Imagine my confusion. There she was, young, lovely, and I felt completely unattractive. Didn't she notice also the wheelchair, if not the age difference? I was in Recovery and knew it.

I sought safety. She seeks another man so she can feel good about herself. And I am quite certain she foundyet another one, and probably is no happier now than she was when I left there!

There was no help for me. I must use a wheelchair part time, for distances and any standing. You see, a man or woman who becomes Differently ABLED, also known as a Person With DisABILITIES, is suddenly ten times more likely to experience Spousal Abuse.

When a partner whose spouse is addicted to alcohol, gambling or drugs they, and the partner can attend separate Twelve Step meetings. Surivors of the Addiction to Power and Control, known as Domestic Violence,can attend meetings as well.

There may not be one for DomesticViolence your area. But Twelve Step Meetings exist in every community and websites abound. Find one and find freedom. Writing this website brings freedom and serenity to me!

Men can find support ohere too. I do not believe that blaming and shaming will bring healing.. We have the Twelve Steps for Batterers, pages on where the need to feel in "Control" comes from, and Support for Batterers as well links to other related webpages.

If you are a woman caught in the web of the Addiction to Power and Control known as Domestic Violence, please read the pages which educate and support in....OR THINKS that she might be.... in this situation.

The weblinks on the subject are staggering. I encourage you to check out every single one. YOU are worth it.

Your kids are worth it too, if not more! Mine identified with the stronger one, the perpetrator, and continued to abuse me, and others, for 3 years, until she got help. This is a serious problem. Please consider this when considering "what it would do to the children IF I leave."

And his addiction is not affected by ANYTHING you do, good or bad, behaviorally.

We can NOT control his addiction. But we CAN control our reactions. Staying will NOT HELP him, the children, or you. Things will NOT get better. The ABUSE will only escalate. Educating yourself can save your life. It did mine. Had I not left, I would be dead now.

Thank you for checking this out, coming here. PLEASE TAKE CARE of yourself by reading on.

If you feel that you absolutely can NOT leave, Please Keep Reading. Because you matter. I speak from experience . You are stronger than you think you are.

I left in a wheelchair and a weak body. But when you consider your life, that of your kids: Your Spirit is stronger than you think it is !. And your love for your children is greatest. Do it for them! Show them just how much you love them.

You are not "keeping them from the man who loves them". You are keeping them safe until he CAN. That day in which he seeks recovery ON HIS OWN.

We can't make anyone do anything. If I can leave a batterer, when shelters won't even permit Persons With DisABILITIES, YOU can leave too!

Friends and family members here is support for you as well.

As you know, the Twelve Steps are for everyone affected by the addiction to Power and Control. Because if you are reading this, someone you love, has been drawn into this often fatal cycle.

Please go to a meeting, and bring your daughter/sister/friend. See if your shelter has meetings which are open to concerned individuals.

There are many resources IF YOU EVEN SUSPECT Domestic Violence.

I owe my life to my friend David. He pointed me in the direction I needed to go TO GET HELP. I here today because he helped.

Check out the references on the Concerned Support Persons pages.

Shelters MUST become accessible. Under the Violence Against Women Act all women have a right to take dignity in hand, and flee to safety. They'll need to help before they do so.

Everyone, including PWDs of all ages (-kids too!) can get help!

We MUST create an Underground Railroad, SO THAT women CAN LEAVE. We must HELP them relocate safely. Ready to START?

Keep the SECRET... Domestic Violence survives. Working Together it just might end.

Good, I thought so! Let's Go...

If I can help you, PLEASE let me know.

Copyright November 4, 1999

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