So....You've Been Told YOU Were Abusive.....But You KNOW Differently.....She Played A Part Too!
If that's your story, welcome to a place where you can read, learn and hopefully heal. Domestic Violence has always been seen as completely THE FAULT of the 'batterer', or for most, the man. But what about You? Because you KNOW you don't batter. That argument just got out of control again. And she was TELLING you what to do.....again. Right?
If this sounds like you, read on. THERE IS HOPE! Because arguments happen in all marriages. It's where they originate which creates the conundrum, the problem, which seems to come up over and over and over and.... Well, you get the picture. Or do you? Does anyone? Does blaming one person solve the problem? Or does the problem just get buried once again?
By now you've probaby read the page in which you hear of the 3 Stage Cycle of Domestic Violence. Things build up, things blow up and eventually things resolve unto a calm, even a time of healing and reuniting. Because you love your wife, and she loves you. But then it slowly builds up again.....and again....and then...the cycle never seems to end.
If this is your story, there is something you can do tonight, in the quiet of your computer, and your home, you can ponder this idea. What if Domestic Violence is really something else altogether, something so powerful that no one can really overcome it, entirely? What IF there IS a solution to that problem? And best of all, what if it is ? Yes, you read this right?
Another scam you think? Nope. Unlike a scam it's not an overnight amazing, stunning, you-won't-believe it deal. Building, like growth something which takes time, like the real world, perhaps like your courtship.
The best things in life take time. Like diamonds. They take years to develop, centuries even. Fortunately this won't take quite that long. But it's up to you. What will you build? Ask yourself what you want to create: A home? Or a Horror?
But if you bought your partner a diamond, or in the better days or wished that you could have. Then this is something she'll like much MUCH better. It's a solution to a relationship you and she would probably like to work out.
And, or, if not for her, and more importantly...FOR YOU...this will change your life....One Day At A Time.
Yeah, you've heard of it. That Twelve Step Stuff. "Oh Brother....." you're muttering. But ask yourself. Are you happy with the way things are now? Have you even payed money for counseling which seemed useless? Cuz if the answers are yes, than The Twelve Step Program is for you. Because maybe, just maybe this is a learned behavior. Because no one WANTS to abuse. Ever.
The Twelve Steps deal with things which are bigger than ourselves. If your abuse has seemed to take you over (Bigger Than Self, remember?) then this is the answer to your situation, and all the thoughts, feelings and problems this has created. Because they all come from that sense of powerlessness each of us has.
Now you're thinking: But I don't drink, I don't even smoke, I don't gamble or even gamble, much less do drugs. Good! You probably work hard at keeping your life under control. Control is good, right? Nope, this is different.
So what if someone told you that it's possible in today's more-more, gimme-gimme, mine-is-bigger-than-yours world, it just might be that one could develop an addiction to the need for a sense of Power and Control? And what if that NEED becomes so unmanagable that it destroyed the person, everyone around him, and in the end, the entire family. You see, as this addiction runs you, it must run everyone around you as well. That is how it keeps itself going. And we all know that it creates a black hole, pulling in everyone after itself.
If this makes sense. Then take a look at the Twelve Steps for the Addiction to Power and Control known as Domestic Violence.
No one wants to call oneself or anyone an addict. But if this situation has you looking up these things, then it's a signal that this COULD be a process which must be STOPPED NOW, not later. And if it has gotten already so out of control that there have been bruises, threats, slaps, monetary control, monitoring of the partner's behavior, economic control, use of sex to enforce things....
Well, this is what addiction does. It takes over your life, until it runs it. And it runs marriages in one of two directions. Either it runs her out the door, if you and she are wise. Or it can control your life so completely that it could run her into the ground, until she is under it, six foot deep and YOU are behind bars. Addiction doesn't care about you. It just IS.
Divorce or separation are often difficult for men. And the feelings or obsessive thoughts can become so overwhelming, that men would rather have her dead, than live without her.
If you or ANYONE YOU KNOW feels this way, RUN don't walk, to the nearest place where you can print out the Twelve Steps for Addiction to Power and Control. Begin a group in your area. Anonymity is the backbone of the program, it runs the meetings by protecting member's dignity and giving them a chance to recover, one step at a time.
Because if you do NOT choose RECOVERY....the next time you visit your partner.....or you yourself receive a visitor....it just might be from behind bars. THAT is how powerful this addiction becomes, and how insidiously it climbs right into our lives until it is not only on our lap, but driving the entire vehicle we call life.
So if you are feeling this way, please begin writing. Writing helps. And see if reading through The Twelve Steps might not give you a sense of relief...even from the shame which builds up. For this is the Number One Cause of Murder in our nation.
If you feel this way, please visit Blaine Nelson's Page, so that you can reach out and realize that YOU ARE NOT ALONE.
There is no instant cure. When something seems too good to be true, IT IS. But the steps, done in DOING the steps. Going to a meeting is good. You can go to any kind of Step meeting and insert the addiction applicable to the situation. Try Addiction to Power and Control Known as Domestic Violence. And when seen in this light, it takes a lot of the blame off the addict, and puts the real controls in the hands of a higher power. And isn't that a much better way to look at things, a very much better way to define this epidemic? I believe it is!
And if you wish to read of how I suddenly SAW how simple it was, so much that I sat up so hard I hit my head....feel free to check out that page.
Best of Wishes to you in your recovery from what I choose to see as an Addiction to Power and Control. There aren't going to be a whole lot of groups out there yet. But there need to be. If you agree, let someone know. You can start a group, or ask a friend to start it. It's a good idea. And it's a burden lifter for those who feel thatyou alone are blamed. Because addictions don't work that way, ever.
Take Good Care of Yourself. You are the ONLY one who can! She can't. She never could. But YOU CAN.