The Duluth Project were the first to seek to define Domestic Violence in all the ways it affects women. It was a grassroots movement, and has become the standard for how we now define Violence within Relationships. In the center we have the Hub, called Power and Control. The Batterer seeks to find and exert power, by using his force, to maintain control over every one of the spokes shown here.
The Rim, as they explained it to me, is Physical Violence, and is used to keep the other pieces "in place". But not all of the parts need be in your life, for Domestic Violence to be present. It does not begin overnight. The plans are layed out slowly, over time. And having watched videos of 'recovering' batterers, they will tell you that they wouldn't dream of "taking control" until they "knew" they "had her" meaning, in their power. They will later admit that they knew exacty what they were doing. They were making "her" or you ....."HIS" !
So beginning with Roses, Passion, and his undying love because "you are the ONLY one", one would never expect it coming. But later, they will tell you that they began with maintaining a "firm hand on things"[male privilege]. What is really at the base of it is his issues, and him expecting his partner, to SOLVE his problems. And as we know, the only one who can "fix" anything, is the person her/himself. So his low self esteem probably expresses itself through a sense of jealousy, and an ever growing need to "keep her to himself". But persons cannot be kept. So he tries even harder.
The ways in which she is manipulated are crazy-making. And while the woman internally KNOWS that what she feels is valid, he will apply logic, and work hard, at destroying her sense of self, self image, and remove any of her friends who "interfere". Isolation is one of the first spokes he will build, long before employing physical violence, to make your life, his property.
Naturally, he will see himself losing his ground. So for a time he may show "true repentance", in fact, you may have loved him for his tender-heart. But his heart is wounded, and until he decides for himself to heal, there is simply NO EXCUSE FOR ABUSE. Each of us has been hurt. But choosing not to heal is his problem, his choice, his excuse. But each of us could excuse abuse. It is by our choice that we do not choose that route. The pathway to healing is DEALING with any pain we suffer. Only through this can we bring joy into our life, and then much later, to others.
The phase before the actual violence is the Build Up. It often includes Emotional Abuse, Isolation, Jealousy, Control of her Time / Money, and Blaming You for everything he does. If he insists on starting arguments, for no reason, as my husband (of months) did, I have only one thing to say : LEAVE NOW if it's at all possible. Thanks to David A. I am here to write to you about this. I listened to him. I can only hope the same for you.
Listen to your inner voice, your heart. Because if you look at what you see RIGHT NOW, today, you will see that the man who promises, is not the man in front of you today. The man who says he will....IS NOT.
And until then, you are safest seeking help. Even if you only begin to go to a Support Meeting at your local shelter, you will have begun the process of safe living, for yourself and your children.
If you find yourself anywhere here, please seek help now. It may not 'seem' bad, after all, he apologizes...for now. But your inner voice knows where this is going. Seeking help makes you stronger, not weaker. Because when it gets to the point of violence, possibly using sex to "make up", then you know that the Cycle of Abuse has been complete, going from: Build UP, to Escalation and BLOW Up, to Pseudo-Remorse with every intention of this NEVER Happening again. And if you are from another country, and now in the US, please know that sex against any woman's will is Rape, in our country.
As much as you want this marriage or relationship to work, or as crummy as he wants you to feel about yourself, ask yourself if you were better or worse off before he came into your life? You will know that real love is not this way. Real Love never seeks control, because real love, involves two complete people with two complete lives. If you feel you need to examine this, or your feelings are trying to tell you something, read on.
Do you love your children? Give them the greatest gift you can : Asks yourself when you were last happy, really happy. Write down a list someplace discreetly. Ask yourself if this is good for the children. Mine only was abusive when my daughter "did not see" as she was supposedly sleeping. But kids DO see. She saw, and now she struggles to find herself because of it. I know because she tells me with her words, and writes about it in her stories.
The Cycle has three phases: Building Up of Tension, Explosion into Violent Abuse, and Resolution or Making Amends and plans that it will NEVER happen again. But without counseling, conflict resolution cannot be learned, and healing will never occur. Seek help for yourself. If he truly "loves" you.
Making you feel as if it is anyone else's "fault" except his own, is his trump card. The Police are known for buying into this, and you can watch videos in which 'recovering' males will tell you that they used this to avoid being prosecuted or taken in ! But women know. If you have any doubt s, call your shelter. Attend a meeting, secretly. Don't let him know where you are going. You must do that for you. If he chooses recovery, it will and must be for HIM, not to 'win you back'.
I am proud of you for coming to this Domestic Violence WebCenter. Please read on. Seek out the subject on any Search Engine, and you will be astonished at what you find there.
It brought me out of what quickly became DV Cycle ONLY because shelters do not accept Persons With DisABILITIES currently. But I left. And because of this I am alive to write this page. Please Seek Help Now. And then write to us, and create your own 'liberty through recovery' webpage. Because you deserve to be free to BE You !
Take care of yourself. Seek Safety Now. You ARE Worth It.
