1-800-799-SAFE

1. initial surprise
   
2. unpredictability of acute battering incidents
   
3. overwhelming jealousy
   
4. unusual sexuality
   
5. lucid recall of the details of acute battering incidents
   
6. concealment
   
7. drinking
   
8. extreme psychological abuse
9. family threats
10. extraordinary terror through the use of guns and knives
11. omnipotence
12. awareness of death potential [from website]

WHAT IS IT? Domestic Abuse is any act or behavior that inflicts or is intended to inflict physical harm. Along with the physical violence there are hurtful words which demean another person as well as threaten with violence.

Notice that domestic abuse is held together by violence or the threat to violence. The purpose of domestic abuse is power and control. [from website]

1. True/False - A woman is beaten every 7.4 minutes in the U.S.
2. True/False - When a woman leaves the relationship, the abuse usually ends.
3. True/False - Pregnant women are generally abused less frequently or less severely.

1. Ask questions which will help her recognize what has happened to her and to identify it as abuse.
2. Support her courage in asking for help, while respecting her limits.
3. Help her to recognize her partner's excuses for abuse. The abuser may blame alcohol. Tell her even though he/she may have a drinking problem, alcohol doesn't cause the violence. Violence is always a choice made by the abuser.
4. Relay the message that you are available for nonjudgmental support.
5. Provide information on dynamics of abuse, typical patterns, and available resources.

1. .Assume she wants to end the relationship or that you know what is best for her. This will make her afraid of disappointing you. This kind of intimidation will only reinforce her role as a victim.
2. Ask her what she did to provoke him. This will only reinforce feelings of self-blame and prevent her from expecting her partner to take responsibility.
3. Talk to her and and the abuser together. This will make her more fearful of opening up. Don't talk to the abuser at all without her permission.

1. Hitting, Grabbing, Kicking, Choking, Pushing
2. Breaking furniture or Punching walls
3. Physical intimidation

Emotional/Verbal Controls:
1. Criticism, Name calling, Swearing, Mocking, Put downs, Ridiculing
2. Interrupting, Changing topics, Outshouting, Not listening
3. Excessive jealousy and Possessiveness
4. Threatening suicide

1. Sexual coercion
2. Accusations of "sleeping around"
3. Threats of violence towards her on her friends if she refuses to interact sexually with her partner.
4. Coerced sexual contact. Prior sexual contact does not mean you do not have the right to refuse future sexual activity.

• Is there a scene if you express an opposite opinion?
• Are you the butt of humiliating jokes?
• Are you blamed whenever things go wrong, cursed
• at, called names?
• Does your partner have a Jekyl and Hyde personality?
• Do you "cover" or make excuses for your partners behavior?

Note: Things I have gleaned while doing research on this subject More DV than murders! A woman is at more risk of being battered, than she is of being mugged, men do NOT voluntarily go for help, etc 50% of all homeless women are there because of DV. I was ONE OF THEM!

• Although statistics on family violence are not precise, it's clear that millions of children, women and even men are abused physically by family members and other intimates. [from website]

• ignores economic and social realities facing many women. Shelters are often full, and family, friends, and the workplace are frequently less than fully supportive. Faced with rent and utility deposits, day care, health insurance, and other basic expenses, the woman may feel that she cannot support herself and her children. Moreover, in some instances, the woman may be increasing the chance of physical harm or even death if she leaves an abusive spouse.

SPIRITUALITY and Abuse

http://www.cpsdv.org/
Only place which includes Sexual Abuse by Clergy right on it's front page. Excellent! And YES it happens even more among evangelical christians because of the shame felt, and message of 'submission' by the wife, and 'control' by the husband.

1. http://www.cpsdv.org/domestic.htm
   This page covers why religious views may hinder a woman from leaving an abuser.
   [from website]
   The Problem:
   More than 50% of all women will experience violence from intimate partners. (National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1992) •Wife beating results in more injuries requiring medical treatment than rape, auto accidents, and muggings combined. (Stark, E. and Fliterart, A. "Medical Therapy as Repression: The Case of Battered Women," Health and Medicine. Summer/Fall (1982) 29-32) •30% of women murdered in the US are murdered by their husbands, ex-husbands or boyfriends. (Bureau of Justice Statistics National Crime Victimization Survey, August 1995) [from website]

   General References
   
   

   • http://www.asc.upenn.edu/courses/comm462/abuse.htm
     [from website]
     What Do These Neighborhoods Have in Common?
     Domestic Abuse Runs Rampant Through All Of Them.

     And nobody says a word. This makes domestic violence the most underreported crime in the U.S.  In the United States alone, a woman is abused every NINE seconds.  And if you think that you are far removed from this crime, you are DEAD wrong.  Domestic violence exists in EVERY neighborhood, regardless of socioeconomic group, race, or culture.

     Come on. You know what it looks like. You know what it sounds like. Now you know where it is . . . everywhere.  If you see evidence of domestic violence, call police or 1-800-799-SAFE, the domestic violence hotline.
     [from website]

   • http://www.phenomenalwomen.com/help/general.htmiz/013.htm Phenomenal women has many of the same links as we list but also survivor stories and other leads. Loads verrrrrry slowly!
   • http://www.gate.net/~liz/liz/013.htm
     Literary Resources, mainly in print, classic books on the subject DV

   • http://www.dvsheltertour.org/fact.html [from website]
     Domestic Violence is Widespread and more pervasive than we think. [from website]
     excellent list of lists
     

   • http://www.mincava.umn.edu/
     An absolutely staggering amount of resources for research, self help, references to good programs, words from survivors and children, places to get further training, available internships, all in a well planned table which is easy to access. Well worth a visit.

   • gopher://gopher.cc.columbia.edu:71/00/publications/women/wh54
     simple direct article on dv, also covers alcohol/drugs, basics-slapping hitting hollerin'etc

   • http://www.ndvh.org/ndvh6.html
     Are You Or Is Someone You Know Being Emotionally or Physically Abused?
     

     The page is simple in layout with questions for the woman herself on one side, and for family members on the other. In my case without those who recognized it in me, it was so insideous that I would not be here today without their help. Thanks Friends!

   • http://www.ndvh.org/ndvh2.html
     Statistics from _How Violent are American Families_ 1990 and other statistical publications, 10 altogether

   • http://www.dvsheltertour.org/fact.html
     Domestic Violence is Widespread
     
     In 1996, the New York City Police Department received 217,236 emergency calls for family disputes. (NYPD)
     
     Domestic Violence and Homelessness
     According to a 1988 study of 210 women living in shelters, 42 percent reported they were victims of domestic violence.
     Domestic Violence and Suicide
     Twenty-six percent of female suicide attempts presented to a hospital are preceded by abuse. Fifty percent of black women who attempt suicide are abused. (The Physicians Assistant's Guide)
     Domestic Violence Homicides
     A commission on domestic violence appointed by New York State Governor Pataki found that 57 investigated homicides could have been avoided had police and other authorities provided greater protection to these domestic violence victims. (New York State Commission on DV Fatalities, October 1997)
     DV and Suicide
     Separated or divorced women were 14 times more likely than married women to report having been a victim of violence by a spouse or ex-spouse. Although separated or divorced women comprised 10 percent of all women, they reported 75 percent of the spousal violence. (Female Victims of Violent Crime, 1991)
     DV and MurderBR> In a study of three large homicide samples in Chicago, New South Wales (Australia), and Canada, researchers found that wives are much more likely to be slain by their husbands when separated from them than when co-residing. Wives are particularly at risk in the first two months after leaving. The New South Wales data available for slain wives found that 47 percent were killed within two months and 91 percent within a year of separating. (Violence and Victims, Vol 8)
     Marital Rape
     Spousal rape is often more violent and repetitive than other rape and it is less commonly reported. (H.L. Hampton, New England Journal of Medicine, 4, pp. 234-237. "Care of the Woman who has been Raped," 1995)
     [from website]

   • http://www.ofoinc.org/CI_dom_vio.htm Definition of DV on left side, quiz on right, recognizes the victim not being able to be certain, gives her support

   • http://www.ncpc.org/1safe2dc.htm As many as four million women in this country suffer some kind of violence at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends each year. Very few will tell anyone - a friend, a relative, a neighbor, or the police.
     ---Are You Abused?
     
     Does the Person You Love...
     *Keep track of all of your time? *Constantly accuse you of being unfaithful? *Discourage your relationships with family and friends? *Prevent you from working or attending school? *Criticize you for little things? *Anger easily when drinking or using other drugs? *Control all finances and force you to account in detail for what you spend? [and more]
     
     ----Don't Ignore the Problem
     *Talk to someone. Part of the abuser's power comes from secrecy. [website]

     Is this you? Please seek help. We did and are grateful. YOU are Worth it. You are NOT ALONE!

   
   
   Copyright November 4, 1999