Liberty for Some... Justice for Whom ?
Why DON'T Women Leave Domestic Violence ?.............................THEY CAN'T !They CAN'T.....if there is no place to go !
Women can't get away to be safe, if there is simply noplace for them to
be. But we go right on assuming there IS shelter for them. In fact, there are NOT
shelters for most women at this time.
Women with Sons, Women with Disabilities,
Women with Disabled Chilren, Women of Color [are far more likely to be eliminated
by shelter staff for any number of offenses], and Women Who Speak English
as a Second Language [see above]. It really ALL depends upon whom was on duty, at the time you phoned.
If you do not believe that shelters are
normally FULL, not available for women, call yours today and ASK. They can
assure you they are nearly always full, even if you don't meet these criteria.
Domestic Violence is complex. It involves the deepest of emotions, and the strongest ties. Leaving is just that complicated. While this epidemic rises, shelters do not expand. Far too many women simply have no place to BE safe.
How can we make it possible for women to LEAVE? We must raise awareness, and bring
about shelter regulation, so that Justice IS for all, not some, or a few.
We've changed the laws, some of them, and that's a start. But if we must still rely on shelters the way they are currently run, we still make most women go right back.
If we continue to rely on the police to stop the cycle they more than any other profession, DO at their own homes [this statistic has not changed in the past 25 years, which is about all the time we've taken this seriously] nothing will change. This is America, yet this is not seen as a crisis. Let's change this. Let's make shelters a safe place, not a prison.
Let us establish regulations and requirements, because they basically force women to return to batterers. They need your help. The women need your help.
HOW can women IF, there is simply NOwhere to go? Did you know that if you have a Son, you can't stay at most shelters? Also if you have asthma, the wrong accent or religion, skin color, a different national origin and especially a disability, you just aren't welcome. The call is made by the person on the phone, with no regulations, and a whole lot of power. Women who must leave the state, have absolutely NO assistance, to relocate someplace else in our nation.
And much as we wish to think that shelters are available, they simply are only for a few. And the staff will usually be at least 10 years younger than the battered woman, and without life experiences, few have true diversity. For many of us, there will never be a safe way to leave a batterer, unless we DO something about it. Shelters need to be for everyone.....not merely a few. And they need HELP before they will change. Wanting them to be available can't happen, until we bring about change.
That is life for millions of women in the US and Canada alone. I am one
of them. My story began in 1995 and continues to this day.
How can a highly educated woman with a backround in Social Work end up
in a domestic violence situation with no help avaialable? A LOT more women than you think
CAN and DO!
It's easy. It could happen to anyone. It can happen to you..... And so
it becomes time to ask: Not WILL you leave? BUT CAN YOU? IS there a shelter? Will they take boys? How about ANY kind of disABILITY? That is what we will cover on these pages....AND a solution to Ending the Cycle
These subjects are my life. It has been destroyed by Domestic
Violence, disability and society's unwillingness to provide reasonable accomodation in shelters for women who MUST leave.
But in writing these (and other webpages) my spirit lives on. If it gives you hope to continue...my trip has been worthwile.
When three years ago, aching, bruised and having lost all, I began a
simple Tripod webpage of my
Domestic Violence story.
Imagine my shock when months later MILLIONS had visited my page. It was
averaging almost half a million a week. And it wasn't even very good which tells us it was Domestic Violence, the subject matter, which is affecting millions daily.
It tells us that the subject is POWERFUL. And so is the ability to
recover. But first we must recognize it for what it is, an addiction.
Not of the survivor. No, the one of the person seeking
POWER and
CONTROL, which BECOMES Domestic Violence.
But the victim must travel that
road from the victim role, to the
survivor!
I recognized it when a woman younger than I, became jealous. And she
was not even out of her abusive relationship, already she was seeking yet
another one. While I was dealing with my newly lowered self esteem, she
was ready to continue to cycle of abuse!
The entire thing had me baffled. There she was, young, lovely, and I felt completely
unattractive. Didn't she notice also the wheelchair, if not the age difference?
I was not undesirable, I was in recovery and knew it. I sought
safety. She seeks another man so she can feel good about herself. And I am quite certain she found
yet another one, and probably is no happier now than then !
There was no help for me. I must use a wheelchair part time, for distances
and any standing. You see, a man or woman who becomes differently abled, also known as a
Person
With DisABILITIES, is suddenly ten times more likely to experience
spousal
abuse.
Even as a partner whose spouse is addicted to a substance can attend
meetings, surivors of the
Addiction to Power and
Control, known as Domestic Abuse
, can attend meetings as well. There may not be one for DV yet....in
your area. But Twelve Step Meetings
and websites abound. Attending one can bring freedom. Just writing
this website has brought freedom and serenity to me!
Men can find support on these pages as well. We have the
Twelve Steps for
Batterers, pages on where the need to feel in
"Control" comes from, and Support for Bat
terers as well links to other related webpages.
If you are a woman caught in the web of the addiction to power and
control known as Domestic Violence, please read the pages which educate and support
those found....OR
THINKING THAT THEY MIGHT BE.... in this situation. The numbers of
links on the subject are staggering. And I encourage you to check out
every single one. YOU
are worth it. Your kids are worth it. And his addiction is not affected by
ANYTHING you do, good or bad, behaviorally.
We can NOT control his addiction.
But we CAN control our reaction. Staying will NOT bring about change.
Educating your
self will. Thank you for checking this out, coming here. PLEASE TAKE CARE of
yourself by reading on. And if you feel that you absolutely can NOT
leave, or find help, please keep reading. I speak from experience in
saying that you are stronger than you think you are. I left, wheelchair
and weak body, and all. Your Spirit is strong. And your love for
your children is strong. You are not "keeping" them "from" the man
who "loves them". You are keeping them safe until that day in which he
seeks recovery ON HIS OWN. Because we can't make anyone do
anything. If I can leave a batterer, when shelters won't even allow
Persons With
Disabilities, you can leave too!
Friends
and family members here is support for you as well. As you know, the Twelve Steps are for
everyone touched by the
addiction: including yourselves. Go to a meeting, and bring your
daughter. See if your shelter has
meetings which are open to concerned individuals. There are many resources as well for
what you can do IF YOU EVEN SUSPECT. As my friend David did, he pointed
me in the direction I needed to go TO GET HELP. I live today because he did so. Please
check out the references on the pages specifically for Concerned Support Persons.
And I have ideas and plans to do so. For starters
shelters MUST
become accessable by law so that everyone, including PWDs (of all ages-kids too)
can get help! And we need to create an
Underground Railroad, to assist our sister
s in their departure, and help them relocate under the
Family Violence Act. Ready to join me in exploring these?
Good, I thought so! Let's Go...
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